chamber of badly kept secrets
by talent show
Summary: "I'm raising my snake in this girls' bathroom!" Salazar blurted out. - in which salazar slytherin learns that spending a lot of time in a girls' bathroom is getting him some pretty weird looks.


"We need to talk."

Salazar froze in place, crouched in front of the sink faucet on which he had been painstakingly engraving a snake. In reflection, he probably should have locked the girls' bathroom door, but he didn't think it would be this damn difficult to carve a stupid snake engraving. It's not like they had particularly elaborate features! Stealthily sliding his carving knife into his sleeve, Salazar slowly rose from his crouch, turning to face the speaker.

"Why, Rowena! What a surprise! Well, don't you look particularly smashing today? I see you're here with the rest of our motley crew. Godric, Helga, fantastic to see you as well. Seems a bit of an unusual spot to bring friends along, but who am I to judge?" Salazar exclaimed. Merlin, he was smooth. Sure, his normal tone of voice was a slithering whisper, but he was pretty sure this lot wouldn't noti-

"You seem oddly chipper today, Salazar." Helga observed, tilting her head in slight confusion. Salazar paled. Rowena narrowed her eyes in suspicion.

"Uh, I've uh just been having a particularly good day, Helga. Thanks for noticing!" Salazar stammered out, making a slight step to a spot where he could better block the snake engraved faucet.

Rowena cut in. "As nice as that is, my question is, why are you having a particularly nice day in a girl's bathroom?" She objected, looking distinctly unimpressed. "Look, Salazar, I don't want to accuse you of anything, but we've been getting an odd amount of complaints about you skulking around this girls' bathroom. It's been getting a bit weird."

Salazar gaped. "_Excuse me_? And _what_ exactly are you accusing me of here?" He hissed out.

"Nothing, mate! Nothing!" Godric asserted loudly. "But you have to admit that it's pretty weird that we've just found you in a girls' bathroom, crouching in front of a sink."

"Especially since we definitely saw you hide a knife in your sleeve." Helga added. "Bit difficult to do something sneakily if we're standing right by you, Salazar. Although that's a very nice carving of a snake you had there."

"That was a _snake_? I thought he was trying to carve his name!" Godric blurted out.

"_Shut up,_ _Godric!_"Salazar snapped. "Like you'd do any better!"

"Is that a challenge? Oh, I'll show you how great my snakes are!"

"_Shush, both of you!_" Helga scolded. "Look, Salazar, the point is, we've just found you in a girls' bathroom with a knife. It's a tad suspicious, especially since we've been told you come here fairly often."

"_Fairly often? _I've been here twice, maybe three times!"

Helga interrupted. "We've received twenty complaints."

"Honestly, we are a _school_, Salazar, with _female students. _I can't just have one of our _male founding members_ stalking girls in the bathroom with a knife!" Rowena fumed.

"_Stalking girls in the bathroom_? Okay, that isn't even _remotely_ what's happening he-" Salazar interrupted in shock.

"Then, you are going to have to _tell us_ what you were doing in here, Salazar. Or I'm afraid there will be _public_ consequences."

Salazar's mind was blanking out. He obviously couldn't reveal that he was making the Chamber of Secrets, partly because he couldn't reveal his mudblood murdering plans so early in the game and partly because Godric would never let go of its name. Okay, he had to think of an excuse fast. Maybe he could just reveal the basilisk part? Yeah, that could work. Rowena would approve of his quest for knowledge, Helga might find him having a pet endearing, and who cared what Godric thought.

"I'm raising my snake in this girls' bathroom!" Salazar blurted out.

This exclamation was quickly followed by a horrified silence. Rowena looked shocked beyond words. Helga seemed to be seconds away from heartbroken tears, in contrast to Godric who was indeed seconds away from cursing Salazar with a particularly vile hex.

"_Excuse me?_" Rowena thundered, wand in hand. "That had better not mean what we think it means or I _swear to Merlin_, Salazar, that there will not be a body to find when we're done with you!"

Salazar swore. "Okay, that sounded way better in my head! Look, I am _literally_ raising a snake. Like I found a basilisk egg and I am hatching it here!"

"… In a _girls' bathroom_?" The other three founders said in unison, unified by their complete bafflement.

As the founder of the only house with brains, Rowena could not allow this complete lack of logic slip past her. "_Seriously?_ Here of all places? We literally have a limitless amount of forest around and you chose to put your giant pet snake in a _girls' bathroom_."

"I can't have my basilisk roaming round with _those creatures_. She's better than them! She's a _basilisk. _Besides, she'd get cold out there! She's an indoor snake." Salazar objected.

"But a _girls' bathroom,_ Salazar. Honestly? Why couldn't you stick her in the dungeons? We don't even use them. I'm honestly confused why we even have dungeons, to be honest. There'd be plenty of room for your basilisk down there!"

"_In the dungeons?_ Have you lost your mind? The dungeons are freezing! She'd freeze to _death_. Besides, she's not a _criminal! _She doesn't _belong _in the dungeons."

"… I am honestly in awe with you right now, Salazar. You _cannot_ raise a basilisk in Hogwarts. They _kill people_. We are a _school._ We can't keep a murderous snake in the same place as we teach _children._"

"But she hasn't even killed anybody yet! Besides, I can control her! She'd only kill the mudbloods! In a way, she's helping the school!"

"You have serious issues." Godric interrupted.

"Merlin, that isn't even remotely the point! Get the basilisk out of my school, Salazar. I want it _out!_" Rowena raged. "If I ever see that you or that basilisk around this girls' bathroom again, I'm kicking you out so fast that you'll need a time turner to see how it happened!"

Rowena stomped out of the bathroom, followed by a nervous looking Helga.

"And they call _me _the stupid one." Godric helpfully added as he flounced out. "At least, _I_ didn't try to raise a lion in a girls' bathroom!"

Salazar slumped over, letting out a resigned sigh. "Well, at least they didn't find out the Chamber of Secrets." He paused. "Wow, I really have to re-consider that name."


End file.
